ramble time
maintaining hope is probably one of the most important things you can do in any shitty situation. still, one thing that I think would help a lot of disillusioned/lonely people is realizing that most likely, there is no "right one", at least not in the sense that anyone will ever find their perfect dream partner.
OFC hope is healthy, but in my experience every steady and successful relationship (that I've witnessed, at least) is built, at least partially, on compromise.
it can be small things like "where are we grabbing lunch today" or it can be pretty huge stuff, like forgoing your romantic preferences (at least partially) because...
- A: the potential partner makes up for it with other positive attributes.
- B: finding that perfect guy or gal simply turns out to be impossible, so you'll either stay alone or "settle" (god i hate that word) for the best viable candidate.
- C: desperation has really messed you up.
- D: some wonderful combo of all of the above.
i guess one important thing you could do would be ranking your preferences/requirements from say 1-5, with 1 being negligible importance and 5 being no compromise. then just try to write a list in this order and see if it gives you a new POV on dating.
while it might not help at all, at least you'll have a real honest-to-god list that shows you what's the most and least important to you in a partner, which might also help with self-reflection.
would you, for example, be willing to date an immensely kind but airheaded geek with no cooking skills whatsoever?
an athlete that fulfills every criteria except the geekiness but has to spend 8+ hours at the gym every day so he can compete?
essentially, this is where you rank your preferences. think about it long and hard, then figure out what you'd be willing to compromise.
OFC at the slightest hint of mental/physical/social abuse just hightail it and don't look back
(you seem smart so you probably knew that. still, just in case.)
anway, back to compromising.
even with 7+billion people on this horrid lump of stone and salt water the chance of anybody finding that perfect partner they've been dreaming about is microscopically low.
OFC it's not impossible, it's just very, very improbable.
even if you find someone initially great there's a very real chance they'll change for the worse during the relationship.
there's a very real chance that the weekly lunch place arguments and petty squabbles over minor shit just gets too much for either of you to handle.
relationships can really crash and burn in the most horrifying ways, and sadly heartbreak is as large a part of romance as love is.
however, heartbreak is as integral to romance as the first nervous kiss you ever had
so, what do? how compromise?
- group dates/hangouts are less risky etc. (probably old hat).
- trust your gut. if a prospective date is sus, better safe than sorry. your instincts have developed for millions of years so getting iffy about someone is your body subconsciously warning you that you might be in danger.
- most importantly realize that there will most likely be nobody perfect, and the highest most people can shoot for is someone "GOOD ENOUGH".
- "GOOD ENOUGH" does not mean "BAD", it just means that they fulfill enough important criteria to be worth dating. our culture inundates us since childhood with the beautiful lie that everyone has a perfect soulmate who is just waiting for the right moment to appear and save you from yourself, despite what ANYONE in ANY dating scene would say to the contrary.
- if you make a compromise for someone, you are completely justified to expect that they'll do the same to you.
- in this kind of relationship communication is KEY. you've made it very clear that you have a hard time talking sometimes, but if you don't even get that little crumb of courtesy from others you'll dodge a bullet by leaving ASAP.
- i know autism makes it very hard to connect with people and even harder to tell what they are thinking (i grew up with the same blessing) and you've made it clear you need time alone. this is completely normal and nothing to be ashamed of, but it is worth bringing up to a prospective partner. if i was dating someone and thinking everything was going well I'd probably be taken aback at best and spiral into neurosis at worst if my partner told me they "need some time alone" without further elaboration.
fuck you smeg, I'm still alone and nothing you said has helped!
this is probably the most important thing I can say:
"alone" doesn't have to mean "lonely".
yes, affection is a deep-seated need, but even that is possible to unlearn. it's last-ditch, it's unpleasant, but if there truly is no light at the end of the tunnel it can be a very good way to protect yourself from further stress and pain.
there's a whole world out there with streets you've never walked, you have instant access to the world's largest information database at your fingertips, there's wonderful books and exquisite art and all kinds of groovy chemicals just waiting to be experienced.
2 kids and a picket fence isn't the be-all-end-all our culture conditions us into striving towards.
you have the world at your fingertips and cobblestones under your shoe soles, why not just walk?
it doesn't matter where you're going or why you're leaving, what matters is that you're still alive and still in motion.
keep learning, keep living, keep moving. those "men" who treated you like a disposable toy are swine and animals, but even those scars will eventually fade and heal and turn into memories.
some "people" are like sharks or bloodhounds. the moment they smell your insecurity and uncertainty they'll pounce so they can use you for their own gain.
however, the moment you can proudly say "I love myself and all that I am" with true conviction and confidence in your heart - they'll have no power over you anymore.
of course, self-love isn't just a switch you can flick on and off, it's a painful, grueling journey (unless you were lucky enough to be born with it) and it's a journey that never ends, but as long as you take it one day at a time and cherish every successful day as a minor victory you'll be there before you know it.
TIPS!
- lift weights, run, swim, take cold showers and hot sauna baths. martial arts are very good to learn.
- read, write, draw, make crafts, paint, do anything that lets you compile your thoughts and burn your negativity as fuel.
- if you don't know how to cook, learn how to do so and eat healthy. your body will thank you, your gut will thank you, you'll feel reborn.
- write down a list of your positive traits and don't allow your negative side to interject for even a second.
- if you have habits you're ashamed of, do your best to eliminate them, but don't fall into shame because of a minor setback.
- if life seems overbearingly difficult, make a to-do list with normal everyday activities (going to work on time, working out, cooking something nice, learning something new, the sky's your limit) and reward yourself with something small after a certain amount of tasks.
- if you feel sad, take out the note with your positive traits and remind yourself that while your brain feels like it's conspiring against you, it's just terrified of being out of it's comfort zone, and that you are holding a legitimate document that proves that no matter what your mind is trying to tell you, you are neither hopeless or a failure.
- never compare yourself to others. we are as numerous as we are unique, and cherry-picking your own worst sides so you can compare them to the best sides others exhibit is pointless, counterproductive and damaging.
TL;DR
- LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF, LEARN TO LOVE YOUR FLAWS.
- TRY TO MAKE A MINOR IMPROVEMENT IN YOUR LIFE EVERY DAY.
- BEING ALONE DOES NOT EQUAL BEING LONELY.
- THERE IS NO "MR." OR "MRS. RIGHT" WAITING FOR THEIR CHANCE TO SAVE YOU.
- YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN SAVE YOURSELF, AND YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE CAPABLE OF PUTTING IN EFFORT TOWARDS THAT.
- CHANGE IS MEASURED IN WEEKS, MONTHS AND YEARS. NEVER LOSE FAITH.
- YOU ARE ALIVE, YOU ARE IN MOTION, YOU ARE MADE TO PERSIST AND TO SURVIVE.
- SELF-PITY IS COMFORTING AND FAMILIAR. IT IS A NATURAL REACTION TO TRAUMA AND STRESS, BUT THE LONGER YOU SPEND IN YOUR HOLE THE DEEPER IT WILL GET AND THE HARDER IT WILL BE TO GET OUT.
- BROADEN YOUR HORIZONS AS BEST YOU CAN. THE GRASS MIGHT NOT BE GREENER ON THE OTHER SIDE, BUT THAT JUST MEANS YOU'LL HAVE AT LEAST SOMETHING FAMILIAR IN AN UNFAMILIAR LAND.
- FINALLY, LOVE YOURSELF. LOVE YOUR FRIENDS. LOVE YOUR FLAWS AND LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES, AND ALWAYS SPREAD KINDNESS WHEREVER YOU GO. WE LIVE IN A TERRIBLE WORLD AND IT'S OUR DUTY TO BRING A RAY OF SUNSHINE WITH US.
i honestly don't know if this text/rant will help at all, but I still do truly hope it does. Best of luck, friend.
-smeg
