WRMD:
I've been having a shitty time. I was feeling alright this past couple of weeks till yesterday. I had an argument with a friend over some dumb stuff but thanks to one of her petty messages i had an "anxiety attack" Im assuming it was one because of the symptoms (Hyperventilation, increased heartbeat, blurry vision, trembling, etc) but i don't want to auto diagnostic what it was. Basically, i just had a shitty time. The thing is it was something so stupid that she obviously said it to hurt me but it affected me more than it should have. I don't blame her for saying that because it was probably something of the moment, but I hate how much importance I gave it. The rest of yesterday went "fine" but it left a bad taste in my mouth.
Today i had to go get some blood exams. The actual part of getting the blood exam was the least shitty part of today so far. I don't know why I get so worked up when i go out with my mom specifically. She asks me about everything all the time, which i should be thanking her for being so thoughtful, but it almost feels suffocating. Every little thing she asks me or tells me to do annoys me more and more. I know I'm just being a shit person, but I seriously can't control it and I hate it and hate myself for not being able to manage my anger and resentment. I guess I didn't realize how antisocial I've become. Everything about going out seems like a fucking nightmare to me. The people talking, the cars passing by, the wind, the heat, how my cloths sit on me, the sun, just everything makes want to run away back home. All that combined plus, my mom, the paranoia of thinking how people will perceive me makes me want to crawl out of my skin and make everyone forget i ever existed.
After the exam we were supposed to have breakfast at this nice brunch place but although how much I hated saying it, told my mom to just take me home. I was seriously on the verge of crying an hyperventilating because i thought I was going to die. But of course i made sure to hold back my tears and said it to her calmly because I won't tell her how I actually feel. I just can't fucking take it anymore. I just want to fade into nothing so no one will ever remember my existence. I don't want help to figure stuff out, i just want everything to stop. Just stop. I hate the person I'm becoming. I feel like I'm losing control of my life every day.
Well that got deep, on another note.
W(kinda)MMD:
I've been meaning to watch this one movie on the cinema, Belle, and thought of inviting my girlfriend to watch it together. I send her a message, but she hasn't opened it yet. If everything goes alright, it will be or first date alone :)
