LT: Always fun/frustrating reading historical accounts where leaders choose to ignore the advice of experts because it's not glorious enough.
what are friends? people that have had an effect on you? that can't be it. it could be a negative effect. even if it's a positive effect, people that enact laws that positively effect you aren't your friends, neither are people who hire you per sae. or people that invent works of art that you enjoy. people that share experiences with you? if that's the case then you can't really be friends with people unless you physically interact with them. i mean, it's hard to share experiences genuinely without being near people, and yet people say they have online friends. people you've talked to? no, people you've talked to often. when's the benchmark? do you just talk enough and then say "we're friends"? well what if you're forced to talk to someone you actually don't really like super often? people you like? ... that must have something to do with it. but you can like someone for different reasons, even if you don't know them that well. you won't always be friends with someone you idolize. people you like being around? yeah that's more like it. people you like, that you enjoy being around, that share experiences with you, that you talk to, who have had some kind of positive effect on you, and you to them. that's what a friend is. i wonder whose friend i am? who is there who likes me, who enjoys being around me and talking to me, and shares experiences with me? who have i had a positive effect on? i'm not looking for answers here i'm just rambling. because, it's hard to know exactly who sees you as a friend, yanno? and, why exactly they see you as a friend. for that matter it's hard to see how others value you at all, or what worth you really have. why do i exist, like, what can i offer or contribute, what do i contribute? is there anything good about me? what have i done right? i wish people would tell me more often.
LT: I hope we can actually resurrect Aerith with the White Materia in the FFVII remake this time around. Even if it's only a post-game quest or free dlc later on. Though would be perfectly happy if they kept it like the OG story.
Haha, we don't give each other shit in my family! And when we did, we asked each other and gave them coal if they didn't answer.
i got people in my family a lot of presents last year so i set a bad precedent. now they're expecting me to get them something again even though they know i have no money. depressing.
Ugly Christmas sweaters for everyone! I know that feel of unrealistic expectations. Hate that stuff, and I tend to blame myself most of the time for other people's disappointment.
LT: I love how mobile internet went from one unique hell to another. Remember back in 2006, when flip phones needed a blood sacrifice and a mortgage payment to connect to a single web page with no mobile interface? Now I've got the opposite problem with being unable to use the desktop version (or, at least, the desktop version is giving out errors) on mobile-centric apps. As someone who uses their phone for 100% of their finance, this is mildly annoying. I suppose I can just wait until I get back to the office to unscrew everything.
Luckily i won't get mad at myself this time. Cuz like, that's just being entitled, expecting to get something just because you got something that one time.
Lately I've had the creeping idea that my focus has been gnawed away by and that my family is mostly perceiving me through the lens of my job and my search for a new one which to me is an incredibly depressing thought and my lack of creative output is only exacerbating it.
Worst comes to worst you could always hit up a library sale near you. I managed to get presents for all my friends and family for multiple years while keeping total costs down under $15-25. Nowadays I don't do that, but those library sales really allowed me to a) get people presents and, more importantly; b) to personalize their gifts by getting books that I knew they'd like.
Dr. Phil show is kinda sketch. You ever think about how the entire premise is basically just setting up domestic issues as public spectacle? Isn't that kinda exploitative? But then on the other hand I guess the people that call in to it instead of setting up a therapy appointment are just as bad trying to get attention for their problems, or there's the possibility that some make up their own problems to get on the show. Watching shitty people put on parade is amusing to people I guess.
Yeah but that's the best part. Sometimes you just need something trashy like some over-the-top brain cancer to spice up the day. Shows like Dr. Phil and Maury and Jerry Springer aren't even all that enjoyable as an event, really. I've found they work best as the backdrop to a game of pool or just a day of lounging around. Then something interesting happens, someone's not the father, and you get to watch a fight and get released from boredom for a couple minutes.
Damn I work both tuesday and thursday this week, and I have an exam on thrusday I've hardly studied for, plus an assignment demo due that day. Sure glad I spent all night fucking around with my account settings on AP and watching furry anime.
LT: Well, I think I found a major cause for why my previous attempts to quit smoking kept failing. Because I haven't smoked in about 3 days now and I've been on vacation so it hasn't been that bad. A little weird, yeah, but not terrible. At least until my commute this morning where the buses were late or missing, dispatch wouldn't pick up, and their GPS packs were turned off so I couldn't even find a new bus. This morning's commute alone is enough to make me want to chain smoke for an hour. I mean, I won't. But goddamn I want to. Christ I hate this commute.
LT: I stumbled on an article (didn't read it) that very briefly referred to DVDs as retro tech. Seeing that is honestly really surreal considering I remember when DVDs were starting to become a thing.
LT: I’m not sure I’ll be able to watch It’s A Wonderful Life this year, it’s a great movie but it makes me sad cry then happy cry in that order without fail EVERY YEAR. Not sure I wanna cry again this year. I’ll probably end up watching it again regardless.
LT: I think the general mild amorality of my family is finally rubbing off on my sister-in-law. The apartment she lives in doesn't allow pets. So she pulled the "Emotional support animal" card. Now she has a kitten. I feel kind of proud of her.