Introduction:
In unique fashion, here's a modified snippet from Elizabeth Barrett Browning's Sonnet 43 for your personal enjoyment. It is the best way I can capture the pure essence of this show:
"Oh Anime Lottery Game, how do I love thee?Let me count the ways you have *BLEEP*ed me over this time 'round.My soul could have leapt from the Maison Forte de Reignac château,For being forced to endure this God-awful show!"
If you haven't guessed it, Ulysses: Jeanne d'Arc and the Alchemist Knight was my random selection for the masochistic pleasure known as the Anime Lottery Game (ALG) Fall 2018. And let me just forewarn you, I will be doing the best I can in this review in an attempt to discourage you from even considering watching this piece of (you know what)!
Story:
What story? So far the story feels rushed, is unoriginal, and completely uninspiring. It's about one country invading and attacking another country. How original. The timeline takes place from roughly 1337 to 1453. It's about a weak alchemist named Montmorency and his personal quest to unlock the powers of the Philosopher's Stone in order to save France. Again, how original. No other anime with the word "Alchemist" in its title features a story with the Philosopher's Stone being a main focal point. ◔_◔
The plot has too many holes in it, like Swiss cheese, except that the cheese at least has good taste. The show does not. Between the fondling of the girls and their over-endowed, uh, eyes (yeah, we’ll go with that), and the crude concept of the young protagonist, Jeanne D’Arc, constantly having to French kiss Montmorency is enough of a put-off to keep pedophiles and non-pedophiles alike from staying clear of this unsavory, tasteless show. Oh, and lets not forget the man on man kissing to sooth those bothered by the aforementioned (even though one of the so called "men" looks like an underaged little girl).
Is if that wasn't enough, at about midpoint in the series the plot becomes almost completely convoluted and confusing. Actual plot intricacies are attempting to be intigrated into the storyline, such as small actual pieces of European history are finally being introduced. However, it's done so horribly wrong that I am glad the real history is not like that.
Lastly, we start to see a swing to some more Mature Themes taking place, such as Jeanne (a child, mind you) having to take a virginity test to prove that she didn't sleep with the devil, or when Richemont gets captured and has her breasts and inner thigh fondled in a provocative manner. As I already mentioned, tasteless.
Animation:
This is the only bright spot and saving grace of this revolting show, at least through the first few episodes. The line detail is sharp, the characters are well drawn, and the actual animation itself is above average, most of the time. There are a few scenes where the animators got lazy and have some really stiff looking characters “moving” about. Now that’s what you’d call an oxymoron due to it being difficult to move about on screen while looking as stiff as a board.
The details of the characters and overall variety of colors used is where the anime gets its visual accolades. Speaking of characters, the women…oh boy…are probably the only true reason to watch this, especially if really Huge Breasts are your thing; and I do mean every female except for the underaged French kisser, of course.
However, once you get past the first few episodes, both the artistic details and the quality of animation drop off significantly. It's almost as if studio AXsiZ ran out of money except for a few thousand yen, and are finishing more then half the series on that small amount alone. It becomes really bad. Some examples are clearly seen in the CG battles in episode six, atrocious! They all move like robots, when they are actually moving in the scenes. Even the hand animation isn't any better either. An excellent story with colorful stick figures would arguably be better then this portion of the animation!
The last 2-3 episodes do slightly improve again, which is good should you make it this far into the series.
Sound:
Standard fair OP and ED. The soundtrack is equivocally adequate - try saying that 10 times fast! Heck, I can't even say it "one" time fast without screwing it up! The audio during the unenthralling action scenes is both average and inconsistent. If the scenes where actually better themselves, then you probably could go without noticing much sound at all in my opinion.
Characters:
Bland, unlikeable, unrelatable, and underdeveloped. If all you're looking for is some female eye-candy, then you've come to the right place (re-read Animation section for further details). Otherwise, get out! This anime isn't for you, nor for me. (mumbles to self, "Damn lousy ALG pick!")
To briefly mention some of the main and secondary characters:
Montmorency is an idiot alchemist
Jeanne D’Arc is the aforementioned underaged kisser
The always griping Astaroth could be the hottest fairy…ever!
Charlotte has near gravity defining breasts, which small objects could probably orbit
Richemont is the only likeable character who isn’t just another big breasted pushover ditz (whose breasts aren't quite gravity defining, which is actually a surprise compared to the rest of the female characters in this anime)
Philip...is he/she a boy? A girl? Who truly knows, or cares...¯\_(ツ)_/¯
La Hire is a Gunslinger who could easily hide an Oversized Weapon in between her breasts, which are also near gravity defying
Alençon, Richemont's brother, is by definition a 'whoa-is-me' whining idiot
Ulysses Black could have the worst huge breasts I've seen in a character by how they're drawn and shaped
Batard, Charlotte's little sister, I mean brother, uh no, that's not right either, or... Yeah. That's how messed up this anime truly is
Overall:
Don't do this to yourself. I had to because I'm bound by the ALG covenant, but if you don't have to suffer, then don't! You'd be better off standing near the edge of a cliff (see opening poem excerpt), staring down at the rocks below, and wondering to yourself, "Do I jump or do I continue to watch this disatrous show? Hmmm... What a conundrum; certain serious injury or death, or watching this anime? Such a hard decision."
Have I seen worse? After six episodes, I can tell you that I'm positive I have not! At the time of this final review update (Jan-29-2019), I cannot think of any. Believe me, I've been trying to ever since I started watching this. Unless the ALG gets me bad again, I doubt I will succeed in finding a lousier anime. If nothing else, let that very thought be a testament to the show's quality. If this show looked like dog fodder on a television, then it would be the worst review-rated show I've ever written. Period!
Final Thoughts:
The anime is an insult to the real historical Hundred Years' War and of Joan of Arc events. I do not see anyone watching this past episode six, but if you're watching it beyond that (or at all), then historically insulting, horribly written, poorly animated, pedophile anime must be your thing. That's all this has going for it.
ENTERTAINMENT SCORE: 3/10
1️⃣Weighted Average System Score: (3 + 6 + 5 + 9 + 6 = 29/100)
Additional Information:
Video Format: HD Streaming
Audio Format: Japanese Audio (with English subtitles)
Publisher: Amazon Prime
Equipment Used: Lenovo TB-X103F Tablet (with Dolby Atmos)
Screenshots
