StoryCan boobs carry an anime by themselves? This fascinating conundrum
appears to have been the question going through the minds of the makers
of Queen's Blade: Rurou no Senshi. I'm sure their surprise was as great as mine when the answer turned out
to be a definitive "no". I was convinced that it would take a quite
cataclysmic failure to screw up a premise such as "women with easily
damaged clothing engage in close combat", but Queen's Blade forced me to eat my words, my hat and what little pride I have left in my anime tastes.
To give credit in one of the very few places where it is due, Queen's Blade never masquerades as anything other than over-the-top ecchi and it
would be foolish to expect the plot to be much more than a laughable
excuse for torn clothing, compromising positions and a bizarre array of
characters clad in unusually kinky outfits. As such, any detailed or
technical critique of the story would have all the sport of playing
tennis against a blind man and even less satisfaction. However,
problems begin to arise when the narrative transforms from a few
paragraphs outlining the scenario to a drunken, incoherent monster of a
storyline which goes so far as to act as a wholly unwelcome distraction
from the show's pendulous main attractions.
The tournament's rules are alluded to moreso than explained, and the
criteria for victory in the competition remain a complete mystery, even
as the series draws to a close. Characters' motivations for competing
range from the corny to the non-existent, and the value of the reward
for winning the contest has to be extrapolated from a few lines of
dialogue and a vague introductory narration. To compound the
sketchiness of its premise, the show spends entire episodes trying to
make the viewer care about certain characters, relating hackneyed and
cliched sob stories with only the occasional burst of nudity serving as
a dangling carrot throughout the resolutely uninteresting proceedings.
Perhaps the coup de grace is the final episode, where all attempts at
making sense are shoved unceremoniously to one side in order to make
way for a gigantic crate of laughable plot twists, inexplicable
occurrences and preposterous set-up: in essence, a cornucopia of
stupidity. Although I laughed throughout this inanity, it was
uncomfortable laughter, tinged with the dismaying realisation that the
anime was still taking itself quite seriously and that this was the
grand conclusion to proceedings, rather than some kind of epic joke.
I expected nothing from the plot but got even less. It is off-putting,
insulting and half-arsed from start to finish. By attempting - even if
only on occasion - to deliver a storyline that is more than
perfunctory, the anime completely cripples itself. If it were pure
parody or pure comedy, Queen's Blade could well have been highly successful, but its token attempts to weave
some kind of narrative fabric just end up with it creating an ugly
piece of cloth which obscures the wonderful nudity on offer.AnimationPassable to begin with, the animation of Queen's Blade - through
lack of budget or lack of effort, I know not which - completely falls
apart as the series progresses, with the final episode presenting quite
possibly the worst visuals I've seen from a 21st Century anime.
Characters, even when topless, look terrible from long range and their
hair moves as if they styled it with concrete. In the final episode,
such staples as lip-syncing and perspective are found wanting: the
former to the point that I attempted in vain to correct the sound delay
on my computer, the latter even causing me question my eyesight.
Towards the end of the episode, following some special effects
reminiscent of Windows Movie Maker, even walking appears to present a
problem and a couple of characters apparently decide to slide, or
possibly float, as a means of transportation so as not to unnecessarily
drain the threadbare animation resources.
Because the show's offering is primarily a visual one, this lack of
animation quality should be seen as harmful to its bottom line. Even
scenes of heavy rain - which ought to offer a wonderful opportunity for
soaked cleavage and glistening curves - are botched, with torrents of
water seemingly having no effect on characters, except to leave a few
poorly drawn splash marks on darker coloured garments.SoundOne of the things which always amused me about Queen's Blade is
the fact that it comprises what could be considered a dream team of
voice actors. With Aya Hirano, Rie Kugimiya, Ayako Kawasumi, Rie Tanaka
and Yuuko Gotou among others, the seiyuu cast reads like a Who's Who of
fanboy favourites. And, to their credit, they do a decent job of it.
Even towards the end, with the animators having given up trying and the
scriptwriters entrusting their task to a demented monkey, the voicing
remains of a high standard, with Hirano's energetic performance as
Nanael a surprising highlight.
With the exception of a good ED, whose simple but pleasant melody found
it a place on my iPod, the music is standard fare. Faux-Medieval action
music for the fighting scenes, a bit of generic chanting to build up
important moments and some forgettable sounds for the remainder make
for an uninspiring if inoffensive experience.CharactersFrom Nanael's tendency to spill thick, white "holy milk" over herself
to Echidna's questionable decision to wear a live snake instead of
panties, the characters of Queen's Blade seem to have most
fetishes covered, including some that probably don't even exist.
Notable even among this salacious bunch is the bunny-eared Melona. With
oversized funbags that actually shoot acid (and later, for no apparent
reason, explosions), she seems like something out of a gay man's
nightmare.
When it comes to sweater fruit, however, the anime actually
demonstrates an astonishing lack of variety. Only a handful of
characters have boobs that might conceivably exist in real life, and
they find themselves very much on the small side of the spectrum. On
the other end, past the F-cupped majority, the weaponsmith, Cattleya,
sports a pair of grotesque monstrosities which arouse only feelings of
disgust.
With the more or less uniform size, particularly among the main cast,
there's very much a sense of "seen one pair of mountainous mammaries,
seen them all". Given that it takes the anime less than three minutes
to expose the first two sets of shirt potatoes and given that - in
spite of the commendable ingenuity involved in the "holy milk" stunt -
the series is unable to go much further than this, there's very little
to look forward to, even during the first episode. Indeed, all that
remains is the vision of the same breasts over an over again, and
occasional moments of downright freakiness. Are snake bites erotic? Queen's Blade says "yes!"OverallUnless you happen to be averse to omnipresent female nudity, the main problem with Queen's Blade is the fact that it has no idea what it wants to do, and ends up
falling into a barren no-man's-land, lost between sets of faraway
ideals. It's not witty enough to laugh with and - aside from its
closing chapter - not ridiculous enough to laugh at. It's not subtle
enough to tease, and rarely creative enough to please. The story is
distracting but not engaging. The symptoms of this anime's identity
crisis go on and on but together they amount to a failure in my eyes.
Queen's Blade finds itself sitting precariously on an uncomfortable fence of ecchi. On the one side of this fence are anime such as Shuffle!,
which lose the air of smuttiness, have a good laugh, and make you care
about the characters before stripping them semi-naked. On the other
side of the fence there are a number of excellent hentai which don't
waste time telling a story and are able to deliver a more satisfying
experience. Both of these options are - in my opinion - far preferable
to the lukewarm boobfest served up by Queen's Blade. I'd be
lying if I said that this had no appeal whatsoever, but - whether
you're looking for ecchi or H - there are many better titles available.
Screenshots
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