Beast Fighter: The Apocalypse - Reviews

Story: Science all up in this bitch, which is kinda... what do you call it? Fucked up or complete opposites, a total ball puncher, what? Whatever, I'll get to it. First, science. Against the Theory of Conceptual Awesome or TOCA, which dictates that a badass/awesome concept is instantly awesome and warrants awesome points no matter how shitty it is overall and for everything else. Apocalypse Zero and Geist are prime examples, and you can't add Majuu Sensen: The Apocalypse to the list.

Why? Even though it has a fucking Chest Bear, as in a fucking bear head on his fucking chest that fucks up any fucker that gets near organ ripping distance, and Fist Lion, fucking Lion heads for his fucking fist so he punches a guy AND eviserates his face! With his fists of lion! AND eagle wings! Who can also sprout eagles from his shoulder to rip out eyes and slash fuckers up! Which fucking adds to fucking punching lions out of his fucking fists and thrusting bears out of his chest! Holy shit that's fucking awesome. The creators must have left after that to go slapbox lions, wrestle bears and skyfight eagles with homemade badass flying machines.

Shit man, that was one of the best premises ever, and then in their absence, a group of sissy nancys who couldn't tell their balls from grapes walk in and fuck it all up.

They fucked up a concept of Fist Lions, Chest Bears and hot harpy asses.

They fucked it up.

IT IS FUCKING CONCEPTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO FUCK UP SOMETHING THIS AWESOME.

Ugh. It's... oh my god. It's uh... it's really hard man. I shouldn't even be typing about anything that doesn't deal with Chest Bears or Fist Lions but here we go... everything on why it was somehow fucked up and how it totally screwed over theoretical physics, science, quantum badassery and conceptual theories of awesome badassery.

For one thing, for three minutes of every episode but the last (I was near comatose and it's like someone shot you in the balls but you're too numb to feel it), it was the same shit. Same background story on how the world got fucked all to hell or the premise of this shit and seriously? I skipped it. Not just because it was repeated enough to cause you to punch your computer in blind rage but because of the subs. The subs, which tell the story and all the important shit, were shit. Literal shit. Improper wording, grammar, a complete shit on cloning by using non-sex... something, but not cloning or clone, clones clone anything. And sometimes you couldn't even understand what was being said, not that it was important. The plot is pretty much crap and the subs only drove the rusty, breaking knive deeper.

Finally time for the actual plot. I have no clue. Read the entry but after that, becomes a  bucket of stupid. There are dinosaurs, more magical people who are animal/human hybrids and it's revenge and stuff. Creating Noah and God and stuff. But it's boring so it's hard to take anything in. And I know, Fist Lion and Chest Bear, how can that be boring. HOW COULD THAT BE FUCKING BORING. But again, there's a lot of downtime with plots and shit. It bogs it down with talky talk parts and doing non-face punching rippy parts. It concerns itself with some bullshitty ass plot that nobody cares about and by the last few episodes, the toilet explodes into a raging typhoon of shit, urine and other unpleasant semi-liquids.

The pacing is ludicrously terrible and surprisingly, battles last too long. It's a tedious affair that continues to be unfun against all odds and then some. It goes as far as to make death sequences then so mindbogglingly terrible that it just makes your mind scream in incoherent tongues. And by the time the final 10 minutes roll around, your mind's a wreck and you just want it to end before you end yourself and your pitiful, miserable life. It's that bad.

I don't even know if I want to get into the religion portion of it. It ranges from bad to worse and once again, the subs. They really don't help it. Some of it feels tacked on and other times just plain bad.

Really, I couldn't give a damn about the story. It's mind-numbingly boring and it's hard to care about anything while watching it.

Animation: This is really painful. Really, really painful. But the good parts, which means first up is not boobs, but ass. Harpy ass. There's a real good shot of a harpy's ass in one of the early episodes and it's prominent because it's a really fine ass. And second but still first in my book, Mohawk Girl, more praise on her later. She's so cool and looks great. Also Blondie, who may not do much, but looks damn good doing it. And the design for the main, having a bear's head on his chest and a lion for a fist with eagle wings on his back? That is character design.

After? Oh my god. You can see the animation decay as the series progresses. It starts off alright, minus the still images and the repetitive info dump at the start of every damn episode, and looks good in comparison to the sludge at the end. Still images that simply move, like a guy moving a drawing across a video camera, poor animation with spinning discs and simply looks cheap. The effects of magical laser blasts are especially terrible and any effect for magic is so gut wrenchingly bad.

Sound: MARSHAL LAW. And I guess the EP too, whatever it was. Signified the ending and with the last episode, the best music I've ever heard. VA? I can't give a damn.

Characters: Just let me get Mohawk Girl out of the way. She was the best, absolute best. Even better than Chest Bear and Fist Lion who are completely, unadulterated badassery incarnate. Charming, kind, one who wants to be good, foxy and so utterly brilliant. Of course she dies, because women around Shinnichi (Main Guy) dies. All of 'em. And since Chest Bear and Fist Lion aren't listed characters (Gold doesn't count), I'll go and swear and rave about the rest of the bastards that infest this shit.

I can't possibly last that long. Shinnichi, he starts off cool. All revenge and ripping bitches in half with the art of using fist lions to rip anybody in half. And he has a soft side, for orphans (Screw them) and Maria, who inhabits the body of this other girl, or she inhabits him? I really have no clue. Point is, he's about revenge and murdering the shit out of evil wherever his Fist Lions can reach. Pretty deep. Everybody else doesn't warrant a note of attention or merit and since an ass isn't a character, I guess you can say their annoyance will warrant some chanting for their imminent death.

Again on the orphans, they are annoying and it needlessly goes back to them for shits and giggles because orphans, instant empathy! WRONG. They cheesed me off and the others to the point where we were all wanting their heads on a platter. Now that is characterization, because making children hated is character creation at it's finest. Also concerning them, shit gets illogical and batshit stupid as it progresses, because progression here relates to mind decay in the creaters and the viewers stupid enough to get this far.

Anybody else? Names I can't remember but one-note characters that you can still hardly symphasize with or root for and so many that are hated. I really couldn't care for Shorty or Baggy Pants or any of these punks.

Overall: This was a constant rant and rave of bashing and bludgeoning with a short break for whatever miniscule good parts there were. Hardly touched on the good and was most likely only slightly helpful but the series overall was an overly long dull dreg that turned a badass concept into shit. The music isn't even that good (Other bad anime at least had balls awesome music, some of them anyway), sympathy is hard to find, poor production, too few battles and later on, overly long ones that became tedious, terrible ending, ungodly subs and this was without a doubt, one of the worst things I've ever seen.

Ever. Not even Mohawk Girl could save it.