Date: June 25, 2012
Subject: Prisoner #90210 Ratchet573
Notes: Subject of test was put in a room and subjected to Haiyore! Nyaruko-san. Subject was then told to give his thoughts. The following is a transcript of his thoughts on this anime.
Purpose: To understand why anime of the “Harem” genre turn him into a raging lunatic. The results will be used to decide in what sector of the asylum to place him.
Transcript: I can’t believe I just sat through twelve episodes of this underwhelming, clichéd, and uninteresting mess of an anime. And it’s not like this anime didn’t have the chance to do something other than be a load of crap. It had an interesting idea in using Lovecraft lore in the plot. In fact, that was the best part of the series was when it embraced its inspiration. But after maybe two episodes of embracing the inspiration, it throws it away and instead has the occasional reference that only fans of Lovecraft could catch. “Hahaha, she mentioned The Rats in the Walls! That’s funny!” Or sometimes it’s more in your face, as if it needs to remind us that this is in no way just a generic piece of crap that has a decent enough idea behind it, but would rather throw that away to fit in with the rest of the harem crowd. “My bikini says Lovecraft! Because you probably forgot this had to do with Lovecraft lore and not tits and sexual references!” If this anime got rid of the Lovecraft references and inspiration and instead replaced it with aliens or demons or anything else from the harem anime genre, it would be the same fucking thing. Way to use the one decent thing you had going for you. Nope, got to get those beach and body swap episodes in instead of doing something new and innovative.
But hey, Haiyore has cute girls. And that’s the only good thing about this load of smelly squid monster shit. The only reason I kept coming back to watch it was because I was susceptible to the wiles of the adorable Kuuko and Nyarko. And I mean, they aren’t even that great in the character department. But they have good design and I feel bad that I was put under the animators spell. It shows I’m still just a horny little teenage boy. And of course Kuuko had to be a lesbian which makes things even better. You know, it’s pretty fucking bad when the only thing I can say about this show is: I watched it in the vague hope of seeing Kuuko make out with Nyarko.
I mean, this anime, as I said, started with some good ideas behind it. Sure it was cute girls embodying horrible monsters that could make you go insane, but it had this whole Lovecraft world and I wanted to experience lots of that. It had lots of references to anime and Lovecraft! THERE WAS A FUCKING REFERENCE TO THE CALL OF CTHULU ROLE PLAYING GAME FROM THE EIGHTIES! I mean, I could laugh at these smart references! But then Kuuko joined the party. Then Hasuta. And then it was just a big harem and it was boring and uninteresting and uninspired and…FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
And don’t even get me started on the random loli that shows up at the door. Holy fuck was she cute! But holy crap was I groaning! I figured she was okay and wasn’t going to join the party, instead hanging around as a plot point. But instead, at the end, she says she wants to marry our main character, Mahiro! Mahiro is a fucking vagina magnet (well…and a penis magnet…a genital magnet) and he’s a terrible character! He sucks! He’s an asshole! You have a girl throwing herself at you and you won’t even kiss her? Sure she’s a horrible tentacle monster on the inside, but don’t listen to your parents! It’s not about what’s on the inside, it’s about what’s on the outside! His nightmare is kissing this poor tentacle monster from outer space! This girl just wants some loving! GIVE IT TO HER!
Did I even mention anything about the plot? I am so scatterbrained right now because I have no idea how to talk about how bad this is. I mean, it starts with these aliens coming to Earth because Earth is the universe’s porn hub. We have the best pornographic video games and comics. And apparently that’s a big thing in space. And this girl, Nyarko, gets to protect Mahiro and its ultra-exciting because she loves him! But he’s a tsundere douchebag! He tries to kill her with a fork at one point! GOD I HATE HIM!
Did I mention that there are bad aliens who attack the Earth? Yeah, they turn the sky red and violet because that wasn’t annoying enough on Shakugan no Shana. And the fights are freaking lame. They are all uninteresting.
Hell, that sums up the series. Uninteresting. I mean, you have the beach episode because you can’t have an anime without your characters in slutty swimsuits. Thankfully, Kuuko is conservative. But then again, there’s always that conservative school swimsuit girl. Speaking of which, there is a pool episode. And a body swap episode that is just creepy. I mean, I guess the part where Nyarko masturbates in Mahiro’s body was funny, but when she makes out with herself essentially, I was so creeped out.
There was nothing interesting about the plot. Nothing about it was fun. I was bored! There was this guy who I guess was Nyarko’s brother, but he never shows up but for one episode. And there are only a few episodes where Nyarko and company fight aliens. The rest are just generic, conventional harem adventures.
Can I please ask you this writers of harem light novels and anime…why are the main characters so unrealistic? If a real human were in the situation where three chicks want to fuck him, he wouldn’t cry about it, find it annoying, and wish them to Hell. HE’D FUCK THEM! You know why Japan’s birthrate is going down? Because Japanese boys watch this and learn a lesson: Neglect women because they are annoying and kissing them is horrible.
The music is as conventional as everything else. The animation isn’t really that great. Characters do look absolutely cute and adorable up close, but from afar they look kind of weird.
Did I mention Nyarko? I liked her. I felt for her! She likes this guy and he blows her off all the time. I mean, I know nothing about her character than she likes Mahiro and is loud. I’m sure there is more to her than that, but who knows? She’s too busy being his insane stalker. Kuuko kicks ass because she’s all quiet except when she can act lesbian with Nyarko. And she plays video games. She is the best character, as well as the funniest. Her utterance of the words “I’m wet” will forever stick with me and be a screencap I use forever; it was just that funny. And the loli was just…a loli. She didn’t have a lot of character. Though I do think Mahiro doesn’t like Nyarko because he is a lolicon. That whole shower scene and sleeping on the lap thing didn’t gel with me. That got a little creepy.
And don’t forget that freaky Hasuta guy. Actually, let’s forget about him because there’s nothing memorable about him.
I mean, I’m not as much mad because Haiyore is shit as much as the untapped potential. It could have been a really good play on the mythology of Lovecraft, but is instead a harem anime with nothing to distinguish it from any other harem anime then the fact it kind of uses the Lovecraft lore a few times. I mean, it had some genuinely funny moments and I even found myself laughing at some of the stupid harem parts. But taken overall, it’s just not good. The only memorable part will be the cute girls. They are very distinguished from the rest of those girls in harem anime, but otherwise, nothing else is distinguished.
Kuuko…oh Kuuko, thank you for being the one bright part of this shitfest. If you were not there to make me laugh, then I would probably have stuck my dick in a soda bottle full of lemon juice just to negate the pain.
Diagnosis: After this review he proceeded to bang his head against the floor for an hour trying to forget ever watching this show while at the same time yelling Kuuko so he at least remembered her. In my professional opinion, he needs to be placed in solitary confinement and put in a straightjacket. It’s G-block for him.
Currently rolling in his grave.