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Thrawn

Diabolik Lovers

BASED ON 12 OF 12 EPS WATCHED
12 DEC
2013

Vile shitbags draining the blood of a young, helpless, maiden against her consent in ever-escalating, creepy sadistic ways.

I've seen a hefty load of shitty anime in my days, but this... this is on par with Funny Pets, one of my most hated shows ever. In all seriousness, this has to be one of the most vile, disgusting, repulsive and humanity-slapping series I've had the unholy misfortune of watching while lacking anything redeemable or anything that might qualify as a guilty pleasure for that one specific trait. Not so bad it's good, no so bad it's hilarious, not so bad it's bad, but so bad that it makes kicking puppies look like happy fun hour. It's that bad.

Where do I begin? Where do I begin? I have no clue. Everything's terrible so I don't know where to plant the shovel in the pile of shit. It's not even a pile, someone made a sadist mansion out of it and right when they finished building it, a shitnado came down and fucked shit up. But logic dictates that I start somewhere and speaking of the heart-wrending plot would lead to speaking about the douchebags that inhabit this house of douche.

Plots, where a young, high school girl named Yui is unknowingly lured into a mansion of symbolic rape, false emotion (It's all quite real, all of them are a bunch of demented, sadistic fucks whose only pleasure is showing her pain and assaulting her whenever they can), some... age old plot of old world vampires and a whole bunch of stupid shit that leads away from the whole "rape" thing and into some non-rape intrigue which is infinitely better than the shit that is normally there, more lies, misogny- chauvinistic? A whole bunch of anti-female shit and treating them like bitches.

I lost my place, but the plot is almost episodic in a way, or character specific for the first god-awful six episodes, or seven. One for each brother having his way with the young, scared, lonely, abandoned by the world girl. There's no plot to be had that is even remotely decent as it's mainly a series of symbolic assaults on her body for her blood in a variety of places, in and out of the mansion. And it is vile. Truly, very, vile. I came to dread every time an episode was released, as it would be more "Bitch-Chan" this, "Pancake" or "Flat Tits" that, name-calling, assaults, rampant douchefuckery, attacking an innocent girl and again, probably again, it escalates. The next episode finds some way to top it.

The main plot is in the second half and before then, you would have long stopped to care about any plots or any "character development" to make these bastards look "sympathetic" or some stupid shit like that. There is history to be had and some tragic shit is done but it in no way makes them redeemable, sympathetic, woobie or anything but a bunch of vile criminals above the law who need to die a slow, painful and agonizing death.

How bad are they that no amount of backstory could make them troubled rapists? Well, if I go into detail I would degenerate into a profane-riddled paragraph or two about all their bad traits so I'll limit myself to a few of them, the more... "memorable" ones. I of course mean the most hated shitfucks in their bastard family:

First up, Hats. There's no point in giving names because nobody is paying attention to shit like that. You recognize them for what they look like and their vile mannerisms towards Yui. But Hats, who doesn't even know her name and is considerate enough to call her Bitch-Chan whenever he can in English or Pancake because she isn't stacked like a Qwaser. Every time he opens his mouth or appears I want to punch a hole in my screen. It culminates in his sacriligious (There is no god in this show) episode which was a true turning point in how I saw this series and took it to a whole new level. His constant verbal assaults and sadistic boners mixed with his fetish for biting everywhere is so wrong on geneva levels.

I've got to talk about something else. The animation? Hate it for showing this shit, and while it starts off as serviceable, I grew to hate it more and more as I saw more of these douchefucks. No, just no. Sound, not much better. I just skip the OP and EP to end it quicker. The same tracks play almost once per episode and nothing good can be said as it just goes on.

But, I just want to give a shout out to plots again before I move back to characters. That ending? Some of the most retarded shit I've ever fucking seen. That ending was no fucking ending. Shit just fucking cuts off because the animators finally had enough and couldn't take anymore of this shit because it claimed so many lives and half their coworkers were now monkeys in the union, and even they knew better. This has to be one of the most anti-climatic, piss-poor endings I've ever seen that is actually still on par with everything that came prior to it. Truly, completely, worthless and I nearly flipped my shit because I sat through 8 minutes of fucking bullshit to get to it in the final shitisode.

I could have been staring at a wall for 8 minutes instead, watching paint be paint.

Next up for characters in a series of six repulsive bachelors du vampire, that little shit with the dolls. 1:1 sized dolls. As in grown woman sized dolls. As in that little fuck, among the dead, had all those fucking dolls in his underground rape dungeon where- wait, wait wait wait. Yes, he is repulsive. Yes he is psychopathic sociopathic sadist fuckface who needs to get his face stabbed off but you know what helps push him past the rest of his asshole bretheren?

His teddy bear, Teddie. As in that soulless eldritch abomination that he carries with him everywhere he goes to steal souls and rape spirits through his one, lone soulless eye. If it doesn't take your soul, it surely sullies it beyond recovery. That bear... that bear scared me beyond all reason. You're never shown what's behind that eye-patch, or behind that malice-filled grin, one that promises that there will be no lube, no remorse, no mercy... but you can tell, for it to live among them, to have others carry him around, to own that dungeon with all the life-like dolls, to watch and not say a word, you know, that he, that bear, is the true demon. The secret character in the game, the secret, true ending, the end to all things... the mastermind behind it all and the one who will take all their souls as he did to others before.

That bear... his soulless gaze pierces the heart and sees all. None shall escape, and all shall have scars.

The bear....

Other Anime Reviews by Thrawn

Mudazumo Naki Kaikaku user review by Thrawn

Mudazumo Naki Kaikaku

overall score: 7/10

Funny Pets 2 user review by Thrawn

Funny Pets 2

overall score: 0.5/10

Maken-ki! user review by Thrawn

Maken-ki!

overall score: 6/10

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User Review Scores

  • Story 0.5/10
  • Animation 3/10
  • Sound 3/10
  • Characters 0.5/10
  • Overall 0.5/10

comments

Sianeka avatar Sianeka
Jan 25, 2014

Too funny!

Anudevil13 avatar Anudevil13
Jan 22, 2014
deideiblueeyez avatar deideiblueeyez
Jan 17, 2014

Hat Bish was actually my favorite because of his hat, and only that (hey that rhymed!) . Asshole-with-one-pants-leg was one of my least favorite, along with Kimba-the-white-lion-bish. This anime was horrible but I showed my friend and we watched the first episode during lunch at school and laughed the whole flipping time. I kept making jokes and she kept shaking her head going "Oh God this is bad. This is so bad." 

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