Thrawn's avatar


  • Canada, eh
  • Joined Dec 27, 2009
  • 25 / M

Reign: The Conqueror

Story: I'm no Alexandrian Historian and what I know about Alexander the Ass Kicker is limited to Deadliest Warrior and Fate/Zero so I can hardly comment on the changes they made to make it space age ancient history. What I can comment on is the sheer amount of crack LSD that was used because the part with the dog wasn't made after eating rotisserie chicken. Shit gets fucking trippy when Alexander goes on a dope trip in his moonage daydream with Dographes as he looks into the future eye to gaze upon cities and landscapes, the destruction and creation, the end and the beginning, the armies and the people, the holy fucking shit he is a fucking dog philosopher the fuck kind of ancient egyptian shit am I on and of course, the real deep nitty gritty plot shit that would completely spoil not much really because it's fucking messed up and gets even more tripped out by the time the final crackisode rolls around and it just gets fucking insane.

That last half? That's like the second half of the show, where it degenerates to meth-induced dreams, shit that can be considered filler, philosophy, symbolism, creationism, endism, shamanism and holy fuck it barely makes a lick of sense. On a stage it does, Alexander and his fabulous hair is conqueroring all these bitch ass countries, he is just steamrolling these fools and could even solo some shit with his fabulous powers of- Man, did you see the main picture for this in the entry? That hair? That undeniably sexy, gorgeous hair that you can run your fingers through? Can a man like that lose? Can any of these fuck shits stand up to that? No. No. Fucking. Way. No fucking way can anybody stand up to that, let alone his normal outfit, meaning that he is the perfect leader through and through basing it on looks and how badass he is.

But the first half? It's still kinda retarded because:

1) The people are a bunch of dumbshits.

2) Not enough snake porn.

3) There is a term for snake porn. I wasn't the one who looked it up.

4) Mathematical as it was, needed more Ptolemy and Pythagoras.

But, it did have the rising of cavalry wrecking asses through strategic ass-wrecking positioning and formations, riding down infantry not just because Alexander led them, but because- Wait, that is why. He brought about the age of cavalry charging through waves of infantry because again, they're a bunch of bitches to Alexander and his posse of good looking guys, and that one pussy who is a complete wuss.

Animation: Leaving Alexander the Sexy for a moment, the character design I didn't mind much. Reminded me of World Record from the Animatrix and I can almost say it's unconventional from what I'm used to. Sure a lot of them are ugly and the armour designs are not only impractical but pantsless and some even don't even guard the nipples but it was a fabulous time back in ancient space Macedonia.

And Alexander? His hair, his outfit, the way every female gets wet when they get near him, let alone look into his eyes, guy could have the biggest orgy in all of ancient space with them looks.

They reuse scenes, the battles look cheesy and bad, that last episode had a boost in animation and crackaphine in the (At the time) episodic acid trip and that whole early on snake/woman porno scene which was kinda wrong and actually really wrong once you get the implications so I guess the animation really was bad overall.

Sound: Out of place music, bad music, Alexander's totally excellent voice, that really effemin- soft speaking guy, those fucking dick punching awful voiced Mathematician Pythagorancers who I really have no idea who they are anymore and can only guess, fucking hated their voices but damn if I remember them. This is generally shit.

Characters: Names I remember: Alexander, Pythagorias, Dographes, Socrates, Crazy Socrates, Methmes- Bhamin?, Egypt, Olympia... and that's about it, ones that look correctish. I couldn't remember names that well and most of the characters are just names or part of Alexander's crew. They hardly matter but Alexander himself, he's top biscuits. Nobody can touch him and the only one that comes close is Dographes who is the man to go to for your space trips. Dographes man, Dographes.

Other characters that are somewhat important: King Darius and Olympia, the former who can't compare to Alexander but has the balls to stand up to him and Olympia Snake Charmer, and by charm I mean fuck which is obvious in her first appearance. So obvious that I didn't even bother to warn you. It's more about the journey than the characters, because the journey deals a lot in visions.

Dope visions.

Overall: It straddled the fence of crap and tolerable until the second half, where it took a dive and in the final episode, spinfucked a volcano into an acidic explosion that caused the stars to fall out of the sky and mountains hanging ten on the waves of the baked ocean. Turned into fucking shit is what. Illogical, retarded shit. And I don't think Alexander face stabbed ninjas in actual history. Certainly not ones of a mathematical cult.

2.5/10 story
5/10 animation
3/10 sound
2.5/10 characters
2.5/10 overall

You must be logged in to leave comments. Login or sign up today!

There are no comments - leave one to be the first!