Szwagier's avatar

Szwagier

  • Poland
  • Joined Jul 22, 2008
  • 30 / M

Kakumeiki Valvrave

May 3, 2013

Once upon a time, Sunrise executives got into a drinking contest, or a party at the strip club, or whatever it is they do when they run low on cash and have to think of a new title. They needed something good, something genre-breaking. The artist already gave them a beautiful design, so now they only had to think of a story – piece of cake, right? Well, not really. They could only come up with a list of all the overused crappy cliches:

- a teenage protagonist that's a coward and want to make peace not war

- a female tsundere childhood friend that is his ever-unfullfilled love interest

- a bunch of random background characters

- an intergalactic war between two super powerful nations



That was a very poor list, but they were not discouraged. They started to think how to make this more presentable.



'Hey, how about we add Lelouche wannabe?' asked person A 'Everyone loved Lelouche, right?' And thus L-Elf was added to the list.



'I know, let's kill the tsundere friend, and make our hero go berserk with grief! Tragedy is always good, and at least we will have a glimpse of coherence in main protagonist's actions!,' said person B and thus another idea was added to the list.



It was still weak. And cliche. And boring. So they sat in that bar/strip club/some other establishment they occupied at that moment, and they thought very hard. Very, very hard. So hard they almost came up with a plot for Evangelion. And then one person asked:



"How about we make him a vampire?"



The applause was overhelming. That was it. The selling point they were looking for. A mecha-pilot, who is a whiny teenager AND a vampire. Brilliant. Splendid. Superb. Money would flow their way like a school of sharks smelling blood. They written it all down, called it episode 1 of Valvrave the Liberator, congratulated themselves for a job well done, and fell into a deep slumber.



If that was the end to their adventures they would make an anime that's average, but not that bad. Unfortunately, once they finished writing the first episode of this amazing saga of love and hate, they sobered up. And once the alcohol was out of their systems, the world seemed less shiny, the plot was less brilliant, and they couldn't be bothered to tie up everything they tossed into the mix. So instead they started to cut things up.



"Hey guys, you know what?” said person X “Tragedy is not fan-service friendly, let's skip the tragedy!" And thus episode 2 was born. 



"Hey guys' said person Y, "the intergalaactic war is boring. How about we pretend we're waging war and go for high school comedy instead?" And thus episode 3 was born. 



"Um you know what?" asked Mr. Sensible, the only sensible person in the office, the one who was never invited to their drinking parties, "the plot is beginning to fall apart. It seems very... I don't know, implausible? Stupid? Incoherent?"



And they looked at him, considering his wise words. Indeed, it didn't look as hot as it seemed at episode 1, when everything was shiny and epic, and viewers needed to be baited into watching. They wrecked their brains trying to come up with a solution, until one of them stood up and said:



"Coherent plots are overrated!" The round of applause was given, and thus they were liberated from their conundrum! They no longer needed to bother with the pretence of logic, they could go crazy with all the completely retarded scenarios that would still appeal to their teenage fan-base, since “pure teenagers vs lying adults” theme always sells. And thus the horrible episode 4 clawed its way up into existence, from the deepest realms of stupidity.



The saga is not over yet. Only 4 episodes were aired so far. What horrible episodes awaits us on the horizon? Only Sunrise knows. 

1/10 story
8/10 animation
6/10 sound
1/10 characters
2/10 overall

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goodycandy741 says...

I couldn't stop laughing! This review is beyond hilarious! 

Jun 27, 2013
KingArthur13th says...

LOL, This review is so hilarious it actually makes me want to watch this.

Jun 15, 2013
Kaynn says...

I think I can do a such review for any anime, even for the best anime. Seriously, almost all anime are based on cliches. You cannot deny that even if I know you will try convince me of the opposite. I think your review is great, but I'm totally not agree with for many reason. Unfortunatly, I cannot exprime myself very well in english, so I will have to pass it. But keep in mind that I'm not an hater, loll. I'm just totally not think the same way as you. You have to be more open-minded to be able to fully appreciate or undestand mostly all anime. You see, you show the half-empty glasse of the show and mostly not the half-fully glasse. I'll stop myself right here, because I'm conscious that I say no 'true' argument so far. I just need to say these words to people who will undestand without any explanation. Anyway, 'we need any type of people for doing a world', such a great cotation.. 

Jun 14, 2013
MOJ says...

Wonderful Review. You know, it always hurts inside when a new anime with such nice animations has a crap for brains plot. I am so sick of the weak, tween protagonist trying to make peace by killing hundreds of people in a mecha only he can pilot. Reeks of that wuss Shinji

Jun 7, 2013
MoutonRouge says...

Splendid review !

May 18, 2013