Untitled.

[Fuyuzuki]

Right, before I let you read the scene so far, hear this:
I've written scripts, stories and scenes mainly as a hobby for the past two years. Thought I have to admit I've been mostly stuck for writing scenes that are merely up to two pages, thus this was originally supposed to be about two pages long as well, but I fell slightly in love with the character, so I decided I'd write it little further...
So now I've written the story up to page 16 by hand, but only written clean on computer up to page 9 and first sentence of page 10.
I know I'm not very good at long stories, but that's pretty much the reason I'm here to get feedback.
Feedback is what I'm looking for.
Thought as many may notice, I've taken influence on the character looks from various animes and combined them to my own likes, I've also taken influence from couple of my favorite novels I've read.
Anyhow, here's the story up to page 9 and first few sentences of page 10.

Please give me feedback, just giving mindless rating without any kind of reason won't help me to improve, even thought this is hobby.
Oh yeah, it is called untitled because I've never actually named any of the scripts, scenes or short stories I've written. Oh yeah and I write the story by hand, which means that I may not be updating this as often as one who writes on computer would.


She was riding on her horse, on her usual patrol area. Everything was perfect, not unusual had happened for the whole day for which she was glad.
Rays of sunlight were breaking through the forest trees, bathing her and her horse.
The young knight had long blond hair that was living in the breeze that blew by.
Her armor was made of bright steel and cloth that appeared to be silk. Her hands were covered in blue silk gloves, which came from beneath her wrist guards.
Her gown was mainly made of blue silk, but it had small white stripes that formed little arrows above smaller aces of spades.
On her waist she had white belt that had an sword sheath which had sword tied to it. The sword was sheathed, but it appeared to be long enough to be held with one hand - or with both hands.
The sheath was black, but it had blue dragon painted on it, the dragon was very gentle looking.
The handle was made of black silk and and metal covers in it.
Her chest was covered in metallic chest piece, which was clearly removable and beneath the armor came the same silk cloth, from where her full dress had been made of.
She had her shoulders covered by small shoulder covers, which only covered the top.
Her chest was only little visible beneath the armor, thought her neck and throat were clearly visible.
Her throat, beautiful and elegant, but all her beauty seemed to get crushed by all the sorrow and sadness she seemed to carry on her shoulders.
Her face was smooth, her lips were glowing beautifully in the light. On her right chin, there was a huge scar, which was very faint, but still visible even from little further away.
The scar was quite long and curvy, but wasn't very wide. It started from all the way from her ear to her upper lip.
Her eyes were blue like the ocean and knowing like a mountain. You could of get lost in her eyes if you stood there gazing at them for too long.

As the beautiful knight descended from the forest to a small village below, her gaze was wandering.
Her gaze was full of pain and sorrow that she hoped no one would have to ever face.
She soon spotted something wrong with the village. Normally there's kids outside playing and goofing around and old ladies spreading gossips.
But now there was no one. Something is definitely wrong with this village, she thought.
She stopped her horse, jumped off and hid her in the behind the trees and bushes. "I don't want you to get hurt" she said while patting her at the back.
Soon she would likely be killing bandits and it would of put her at disadvantage if she had to protect any villagers and her horse, too.
Those bastards of bandits. They kill mens without second thought, rape and make profit of all the women who are just old enough. The younger ones are taken to camps and are kept in health until they come to certain age.
She quickly shrugged those thoughts of what had happened in the past and thought it would be time to turn her heart rock, no mercy would be given.
She wouldn't let a single bandit get away. She stepped through the village gates and shouted out: "Get your filthy bodies here, it is time for you to meet the one who judges you!"
...
Nothing happened. This is strange, she thought.
Normally the bandits would of all rushed out to her, surround her and mock her.
Nothing happened, in fact it was too quiet. The sun had gone behind clouds.

It was obviously a trap, she thought.
Only few moments passed and several arrows were fired towards her. She pulled out her sword out of it's sheath in an inhuman speed and before you noticed, the arrow's heads were cut off.
She was standing beside the arrow heads, holding her sword with both of her arms, ready for more.
As she was standing there, the sun came out from the clouds and it shun greatly upon her.
The blade was shining in the bright light. The blade had been crafted perfectly, there were no bumps, dull spots or scars in the blade.
The blade's shape was the kind of made for kings. It was straight sword that was only bent little from the top, in order to make top edge sharp enough to make clean cut.
It didn't take long, but there was another batch of arrows fired at her, as if to see if the first attempt was only fluke.
But it wasn't, her skill was superior to compared to these lousy archers.
If she was to be taken down, it would be through close combat, not distance.
She stood still, not far from the village gates, gazing at the directions arrows had come from.
Her gaze was intent and full of fierce will to fight. It was as if she could see the bandits hiding behind the walls.
After awhile of silence, she heard rocks shifting and mud splashing, the bandits were coming.

What surprised her probably most of their entrance was the ridiculous outfit they were wearing.
She had seen all kinds of smugglers and road thieves, but by far, the outfit these bandits were wearing were most ridiculous.
All of the bandits were wearing black masks, only revealing top of their nose, their vicious eyes and little of their forehead. All of the bandits were also wearing brown leather jackets that seemed to be thick enough that a dul sword wouldn't be able to pierce it.
The jackets also had strange cutting. There were no sleeves, thus leaving your arms completely uncovered.
Each of the jacket's had their own unique markings and different rank in the right shoulder for most bandits. One had three stars on right shoulder and bear paw prints painted all over the front, as if to create illusion that the person had the powers of bear.
One, who had five stars on both of his shoulders appeared to be the strongest of the group as well as the leader. His jacket was still stained in blood, but nothing had been printed into his jacket. He was obviously the leader.
Leaders of small bandit groups such as this were often cowards. Ones who would fight only when they knew they would win, which was the case when fighting villagers who knew not how to fight properly. Thus creating the need for knights like her.
The leader would likely flee during the time she would be taking out his subordinates or he would put up a serious fight. Thought the latter was least likely to happen.
The bandits had dark baggy pants, that were covering almost completely covering their boots too.
After gazing the group of bandits for awhile, the bandit at back who had most stars, stepped forward while removing his mask and lifted the same arm up.
Was it sign of surrendering? No, the other bandits were too excited for it to be sign of surrendering. It was call for duel.
A little smile broke through to her lips. "At least he's not a coward, even thought a fool." she thought to herself, while measuring the challenger.

The challenger's swords didn't seem normal at all. He had one hand behind his back, which had rope tied all the way up to his shoulder, which appeared to go all the way down to the sword.
She could still see the sheath behind his back, which was about an average in length, but that wasn't the strangest part. It was the sword on his waist.
It was long, but it was very curvy too. Almost like a scythe in a form of sword, yet small enough to be held with one arm.
She quickly came to conclusion that this bandit would be dual wielder. She had faced couple of that kinds before, but none of them had wielded sword similar to his.

Confident of her own abilities, she stepped forward to show her acceptance for the duel, even thought there wasn't much of choice for her.
"If I defeat him, the others may surrender..." she thought.
The leader did some weird hand signals and all of the bandits behind him dropped down in lotus position, sitting and chanting.
You couldn't hear the words properly, but it sounded a lot like latin.
"How would a common bandit know of latin, let alone to be able to chant like that.." She pondered to herself,
As she was pondering the question, she soon realized that these were no regular bandits after all.
At the same moment an huge screaming red aura forming around the bandits. Your normal road bandit wasn't able to summon their spiritual force, let alone to form it in a group like that.
The aura that had been formed around the bandits gave chills all to way her spine, but she quickly shrugged it off.
The option of the leader or other bandits surrendering now was gone. These guys seemed to have a lot of experience on their backs, they wouldn't back out now.
She came to new conclusion, these weren't just bandits, these were an assassin group from the nation they were in war with.
But why would they send an assassin group to this far from the border? she started thinking. She couldn't think of reason other than wanting to cause havoc inside the country.
There were still holes in her conclusions, but she would fill those in once she's done with these scums.
Lost in her thoughts, she didn't notice the chanting bandits forming a barrier around her and the person she was now forced to fight till death.
When she noticed what was going on, it was already too late. The barrier had been completed. She knew that barrier would be easy to take down if she would apply enough physical pressure on the barrier from inside, but that would leave her back open to the bandit she was fighting with.
Her only choice was to stall and fight until she came out as victorious or the bandits outside barrier got exhausted enough to be able to maintain the barrier.
The barrier was red, screaming for blood red. It was shaped like half ball and was big enough to fit in two storey house. The barrier was big, which of course meant that it would be exhausting to maintain for long period of time.
She took her stance, thinking was over now.

While taking her stance, her opponent pulled out the sword from behind his back, the shape of his sheath had fooled her. The shape and length of the sword had been covered within the sheath. The sheath was made for any average long sword, but this sword was different.
It was quite short, about half of average long sword, it had round edge of the blade, but it was clearly sharp enough to make crucial damage.
Also due to the rope tied to it, it appeared to have the capability of fighting semi-long distance and close combat.
There didn't seem to be anything between the blade and handle, which was very dangerous, but at the same time provided easier usage and less weight on the sword, thus faster recovery and swings. But at the same time you could of lose your hand or the blade could fall off if enough force was applied to certain points of the sword.
Her opponent pulled now out the second sword from his waist. It was indeed scythe in form of sword.
The blade was still stained in blood, as if she had come in to interrupt the killings.

The stance of her opponent was little strange as well. It was different from the other dual wielders she had faced before.
One arm was waving the sword which was tied to a rope over his head while the scythe like sword was steadily placed between his eyes.

WILL BE CONTINUED ONCE I GET MY BUTT BACK TO WRITING THE STORY CLEAN ON COMPUTER.

[Fuyuzuki]

I don't know if someone is actually reading this, so any kind of input is appreciated.
Anyhow, I wrote more pages clean on computer, while re-writing couple scenes.

They were both now prepared for the battle. Her breath was steady as ever, no unnecessary movements were done or were her eyes wandering off anymore.
The other of the two wouldn't leave this village, nor hold the sword ever again.
She knew her facial expression was neutral, not giving even a slightest hint to her opponent of what was going through her head and what she would do.
That was the first thing that was taugh to knights during their training. Not to show your emotions, least not the kind which would allow your opponent to predict your movement.
Being able to swing your sword is worthless, if your opponent can read you like a book. That's exactly what had been told to her in her first day during the training.
She knew it and it appeared like her opponent knew it too. There may have been a faint smile on her opponent's face, but it clearly wasn't enough to make any major judgements or predictions on his up coming movements.

Excitement and anxiety were growing inside the barrier, as the two started circling each other. Neither of the two wanted to make the first move, but it wouldn't stay like this for long. She wanted to play defensive, all her training had taugh her that never go offense against unknown threat.
What also counted was that she knew that by delaying the battle, the bandits outside would get eventually exhausted, thus the barrier would disappear and grant her more room for movement.
The two kept circling each other for one more full circle, that's when it happened, the rays of light sparked through the shallow spots of clouds, the sword that had been tied on the bandit's arm came flying at her.
She reacted quickly and deflected the flying sword with easy swing on it's blade.
The sword bounced away, falling to the ground few meters away from her with little of dust coming up.
Before the dust had disappeared, the sword was pulled back to it's owner. The faint smile on bandit's face had grown slightly bigger, but clearly you could tell that the smile yearned for blood and death, nothing predictable was in his expression.
She, however did figure out that soon there would be another throw coming at her, which was the moment when she decided that she wouldn't just deflect the sword this time, but also cut the rope tied to it.
This would disable the use of long distance in their battle, giving her the advantage, she thought. She had been the best during her training days. She had been mocked for being the only female in the training group, but she had come over all of her obstacles.
She was now among the six pillars, in other words among the top six knights in her country.
In a blink of eye, the second threw came at her, but something wasn't right. The speed was enormously greater than it had been on the previous throw.
The speed of the throw took her by surprise which allowed her just barely to block the strike. She didn't notice the sword cutting small amount of hair.
Despite the greatly increased speed, she managed still to deflect the sword, but something was different this time. The sword didn't bounce naturally at all.
The movements were too stiff for it to be natural. Not only speed, but she had also felt something different at the contact. It didn't feel like the previous hit at all.
As she was still analyzing the previous attack, new one came at her. The speed had stood the same to which she acted quickly by thrusting at the sword and evading it by the last moment and immediately after evading, she swung her sword at the rope.
But immediately she saw what she should of figured earlier. Instead of the rope getting cut, the rope bent over like a piece of strong metal and before she noticed, the rope had tied itself around her neck.
"CRAP!" She thought to herself, almost losing her cool.
Despite her hard training, she was still little air headed during the battle. Analyzing the opponents attacks had never been her strongest point, which often resulted in situations such as these.
She knew her weakness and the way to get out of it. Her calmness was coming back.

The smile on her opponents face had grown even larger as he saw his prey getting caught.
As she tried to pull off the rope around her neck, she felt something different in the rope. As she had grasped it, little of smoke raised from her glove.
"Ah, I see..." She thought. She had figured the trick now and was pitying herself for not figuring it out earlier.
Her opponent had enforced the rope with his spiritual force, thus making it a lot harder to cut with a sword, even if it were enforced too. She had likely not applied enough of spiritual force on her strike, since she had not been expecting it to be enforced too.
Now that she had figured out the trick and got somewhat idea of the skill of her opponent, she was getting more excited of the battle too.
She even allowed herself a faint, but mad smile on her face, which caused the smile on her opponent to fade away quickly, as he saw the slight madness in her smile.
"RELEASE!" She shouted and immediately enormous amount of blue spiritual force surrounded her. At the very same time the rope tied around her neck was shred completely, nothing was left. The sword that had been tied on the rope was burst out flying towards the edge of the barrier, which it pierced, but the sword still stood inside the barrier.
It was powerful enough to cause small cracks on the barrier, which took the bandits outside the barrier by surprise.
Everything happened so quick that she had completely ignored the burn marks left by the rope in her beautiful neck and the pieces of hair that had now burnt due to her pulling out her spiritual force in such large amount.
As the bandits outside finally got their act together, the small cracks were quickly fixed, making the barrier complete again.
Her excitement had gotten better of her for the moment, but she managed to calm herself down for now.
The long distance was now gone her oppponent would have to get into close combat with her and she knew that she wouldn't go down at close combat. There was only one person who had defeated her, but that person had falled in another battle, years ago.

The battle was now again in square 1.
Instead of starting to circle each other, her opponent was shaking his head in disbelief, apparently he didn't believe the battle to become this tough.
He too small steps towards his shorter sword that had been stuck on the barrier for awhile now.
As she was gazing his movements completely still, only her eyes were following his movements, her opponent started talking.
At first she couldn't comprehend what he was saying, it clearly sounded like Latin, but she couldn't understand it.
The bandit soon noticed the questioning gaze on her face in which moment he changed his tone of voice and started speaking in English.
"You are indeed something, my precious Knight. I wasn't expecting to face someone of this caliber in such pitiful mission as this."
At the moment he let out the last word, you could of hear similar voice of scratching your nails into blackboard, he had just pulled out the sword from the barrier.
While taking steps back to his previous position, he let out gently; "Shall we began the real showdown now, my precious Knight?"
They both had been underestimating and toying with each other, the whole time. Both had figured that out now.
Before she could give her answer, the bandit shouted "LIBERATIO!" and suddenly the dirt, rocks and remainings of arrows started shifting beneath him while enormous amount of white spiritual force surrounded him.
The amount was very close to equal of her, if not even more. She had learned that much of calculating the opponent's spiritual force, but she wasn't accurate. She couldn't tell if he had more or less than she had left. Only major difference she could tell between the forces was that to compared her gentle spiritual force, her opponent's was vicious which longed for blood.
She noticed how her opponent was enforcing the two swords with his spiritual force, in much larger amount than she had felt before. This of course meant that she would have to apply more force on her sword.
She wouldn't be able to battle equally if her sword didn't least match up to his after combining both, physical and spiritual force.
To apply an set amount of spiritual force into wanted item had always been tough for her, for which reason she took a moment to close her eyes and focus on transferring the amount of spiritual force into the sword she deemed to be right.
In matter of seconds, her sword would of normally glown blue, but due the contrast caused by the red barrier, it was now glowing slightly purple, if you looked outside. Inside it was still clearly blue.
While she had been busy to enforce her sword, she had missed how her opponents swords had almost disappeared. Only faint shape of the swords was left and it was glowing rather pinkish.