Fantastic Children

[VivisQueen]

Fantastic Children


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Site Reviews: VivisQueen 

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Posted!

[therik]

Excellent review, Veevs. Just a little thingy. 4th para of your story section:

Related to this problem is the show’s hesitant pace. It devotes much time to setting the scene, although, this comes in the form of allusions and vague snapshots of the bigger picture instead of thorough explanations.

Comma overkill around "although". I don't think you need either of them, personally.

Agree with... most everything you said. Probably wouldn't have rated the animation so generously (watching that and Dead Leaves in sequence, I found it hard to believe that they were from the same decade, let alone the same year) but you explained yourself well enough on the point.

I also was kind of hoping you'd make a "not particularly fantastic" joke or some other play on the show's title, but I guess that was a little too obvious >_>. In any case pretty much sums up how I felt about the whole thing myself, and a decent read. Tankies.

[VivisQueen]

You definitely need a comma before 'although'. And if you didn't have the first clause so that 'although' was the first word in the sentence, you'd definitely have a comma after it. Observe:

- It devotes much time to setting the scene, although this comes in the form of allusions...

- It devotes much time to setting the scene. Although, this comes in the form of allusions...

Hence I used a comma for both. I think the sentence could probably do without the second comma, but the first is a must, I'm sure. Do I sometimes sound like I argue just for the sake of arguing? Cause that's not the intention.

Also, I'm probably the least witty reviewer out of all of us - I don't pick up on puns. ;_;

I remember vivafruit commenting that if I ever should write a review for the really bland-and-cliche Gigantic Formula, I should definitely work into something along the lines of 'Living up to it's name, Gigantic Formula...'

And I stared blankly (in an internetz sort of way) before thinking 'Why the fuck did that not occur to me?'

[therik]

You've sold me on the first comma.

And don't worry about missing out on puns, they're one of the lower forms of wit, just behind references to people's mothers. That said, I'm now half-tempted to write an Excel Saga review, just so I can say that it doesn't excel as a saga.

God, I'm awful.

[VivisQueen]

That is bad, therik. Very bad. But I forgive you... maybe.

[ThePatches]

Originally Posted by therik

You've sold me on the first comma.

And don't worry about missing out on puns, they're one of the lower forms of wit, just behind references to people's mothers. That said, I'm now half-tempted to write an Excel Saga review, just so I can say that it doesn't excel as a saga.

God, I'm awful.

Yes, plz.

[Cetonis]

This review reminds me of something from college writing class. A rule of thumb the teacher liked to bring up called the "15/75 rule." The idea is to aim for roughly 15 words per sentence, and 75 percent one-syllable words, for the sake of basic readability. I'm wondering what you think of this? Not as a hard and fast law, of course, just as something to strive towards.

[VivisQueen]

As a rule of thumb, that's it seems too precise to be easy to follow. Never in my writing have I ever come across this rule of thumb (from professionals or experienced non-professionals). I have heard about restricting the number of words per sentence, though.

Anyway, my point is, what are you trying to say?

[Cetonis]

Well, like I said, it's more of a thing you aim for than it is something you can actually expect yourself to hit. There are always going to be times where you need to use a fancy word to avoid repetition, or because it fits so perfectly, etc.

I'm hesitant to argue this too much because you clearly have a lot more writing experience than I do, but I do buy into this concept on a theoretical basis. In the end, writing is the conveying of ideas via words on a page, right? This means that good writing is that which conveys ideas more successfully. So, a writer's goal should be to make it as easy as possible for the reader to read and understand what he/she is trying to say. A big part of that is using shorter sentences and simpler language where possible. "The girl walked her dog" is a heck of a lot easier to digest than "The little lady brought her canine companion on an afternoon excursion," for instance.

Hence the 15/75 bit, though of course numbers like that will always be arbitrary on some level. (I'm sure someone did some research to come up with them, but all the same) But still, the idea is that if you have a piece where the numbers come out closer to 25/50, it would indicate a problem.

[VivisQueen]

I'm still confused, so I'll work with both of my interpretations:

If you are arguing that my reviews are difficult to read, then just say so and I'll do my best to amend the writing accordingly. As pompous as it sounds, I'm someone who strives to be elegant in the most straightforward way possible. Hence I avoid superfluous wordage, repetitions, unnecessarily long sentences etc. I'd be gutted if you told me I'm convoluted, but I'd ask you to pinpoint where in the review you think I'm getting confusing.

However, if you're just making a general argument, then the answer is yes, you're right - clarity is next to godliness and an idea is useless unless communicated effectively. However, that numerical rule of thumb is unwieldy and says little about how to resolve problems. So after counting words/syllables in fifty sentences of a review (urgh), you find one that's 25/50, then what? You just cut random words and syllables until you get roughly the right ratio? This is language, not maths.

Rather than focusing on sums, which are difficult even to guestimate, I'd point out common-sense tools like: 1) cut adverb-adjective pairings and replace with one strong adjective; 2) avoid repetitions of words/phrases; 3) aim for one idea per sentence rather than cramming many into one (this is where run-on sentences often happen); 4) using lofty ye olde englishe doesn't automatically make you more intelligente. It makes you sound like an idiote. Like Bill Bryson says, you should only write 'prior to' if you are also in the habit of using 'posterior to'. Otherwise, just stick to before and after.

Then again, your tutor is a professional, and I'm not. But that's my view.