G-9

[valondar]

G-9


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Site Reviews: valondar ~ sothis 

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[sothis]

ah, i have a review mostly written for this too, heh.

[valondar]

I could scrap this then, there are a dozen other shorts I could probably tackle.

[sothis]

nah its ok to have two up

[VivisQueen]

It's actually really good to have more than one review for the shows. So if you ever double up, don't be shy about it. People will value two well-written opinions more than they will just one. Also, there's nothing wrong with writing reviews for shorts, why are you apologetic about it? Since nobody else is doing them, you're doing the site a huge favour. :)

Regarding the review itself:

What strikes me is how brief and static it comes across. There are plenty of short, choppy sentences, and most of the individual ideas are just stated without much elaboration. At the same time, there is some superfluous repetition and a bit of wishy-washiness. As such, the review feels somewhat rushed. I imagine it's difficult to write a comprehensive review about short pieces that, in themselves, are not very coherent. But try to connect up some of those sentences, back up your statements with a story or joke once in a while, and replace vague descriptions with specific terminology/names.

For example:

I'm conflicted on this rating. On the one hand, this short has some wonderful images. It's mostly black and white and strikingly composed - many of these pictures are simply sublime. At least one of the design choices recalled H.R. Giger to me, though I'll leave it to the reader to speculate where.

On the other hand, not only is it entirely limited animation, the brief uses of animation really sucks - there's no actual movement beyond the kind of tricks you might apply in photoshop, and that's as impressive as it sounds. Finally, there's an extended limited animation fight sequence - this doesn't quite work.

BECOMES

I'm conflicted on the quality of the animation. On the one hand, being mostly black and white and strikingly composed, many of the still shots look simply sublime. At least one of the design choices brought to mind the disturbing yet powerful* artwork of H.R. Giger (the man responsible for the 'Alien' design concept).

On the other hand, the animation is entirely limited - there's no actual movement, just INSERT SPECIFIC EXAMPLES OF TRICKS YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT, and any brief attempts at action sequences fail to be convincing let alone exciting.

*(or whatever adjectives you feel appropriate)

[valondar]

As always VivisQueen I appreciate your suggestions. I've tried to hash over this to make it suck less, and in the process a pretty good rec idea occured to me. Thanks.

[sothis]

so ive just now had a chance to read this, and have a few suggestions :)

1. first, the 'this' problem is popping up again ;)

This is a great beginning

This isn't an unsatisfying experience

Is this worth watching?

i'd suggest watching out for this phrase and try to change it whenever possible to something with better flow.

2. you use 'one' a lot - this seems very third person, formal, and impersonal. i believe your review will sound more personable and engaging (and thus, the reader will be more into it) if you change to 'you' or a rewrite. for example:

One really could get lost in the artistry of this piece, and it even makes the somewhat weak plot seem a heck of a lot more interesting than it really is. ->

It's easy to get lost in G-9's artistry, which helps the weak plot seem more interesting than it really is. OR 'You can easily get lost in...'

3. lots of 'it' - sometimes the word is ok to use, but changing up the constant use with the anime title or a rewrite will make the flow much better.

"Only it keeps going on with little intent" -> (i have no idea what the it is referring to here)

"and it even makes the somewhat weak plot seem a heck of a lot more interesting than it really is." -> (we looked at this phrase above, but the 'it' here would need to be changed to 'which makes' or something non 'it')

"On the other hand, not only is it entirely limited animation"

etc

4. 'some' - you use this a lot too, and imo it's one of those simplistic words that end up making a review sound less professional (if overused). usually the term isnt needed at all, or when it is, it can be replaced with a different adjective most of the time such as variety of, plethora of, plentiful, bountiful, etc.

a few other terms i consider on the same 'dangerously unprofessional' level are 'really', 'pretty', 'here' (ie, you say 'the developments here - here where? the anime? it doesnt usually make sense to have that in a review)

and one separate comment:

We begin with some bizarre imagery, and then a naked woman waking up in an abandoned city. She wanders around and has a strange inner monologue that deals with her lack of memory - including brief flashes of insight into some kind of mystical identity she has. This is a great beginning, weirdly arty and immediately engaging - it's the rest of the plot that brings down the mark.

this para is a bit jerky to me and i'm not sure why. first of all 'we begin with some' is a bit awkward - 'we' arent the ones beginning anything, and the 'some' doesnt seem necessary. imo it would be much better with something like 'G-9 begins with a naked woman waking up in an abandoned city. [etc] From the get-go you're drawn in by the engaging and weirdly artsy aspect, but ultimately the rest of the plot leads to G-9's failure' (i made a lot of that up, but a rewrite i think is needed)

anyways most of these are small but comprehensive changes that i think add up to a huge positive change :D

[VivisQueen]

Even better than using a specific 'you' or some vague 'it's easy', say 'I'. This also tends to force you to use active voice:

I found myself easily getting lost in G-9.

afterall, the entire review is from your point of view, so why avoid the issue by vague 'yous' and 'it's' without antecendents (whatever the fuck that means, vivafruit).

[valondar]

Thank you very much for your patience and considerable input. I've revised accordingly.

[Gundevil]

Originally Posted by VivisQueen

Even better than using a specific 'you' or some vague 'it's easy', say 'I'. This also tends to force you to use active voice:

I found myself easily getting lost in G-9.

afterall, the entire review is from your point of view, so why avoid the issue by vague 'yous' and 'it's' without antecendents (whatever the fuck that means, vivafruit).

Yeah, I seem to have this same problem at times. This is probably due to the fact that in formal essay or research paper writing, using "I" or "We" is almost strictly forbidden. (Also "you") So I've gotten used to writing in third person instead of 1st person. I'll admit I'm a much more competent essay writer than I am at writing more informal papers like reviews or short stories.