Old Crocodile

[valondar]

Old Crocodile
(a.k.a. Toshi wo totta Wani)

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Site Reviews: valondar 

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[VivisQueen]

Grammar, spelling, everything is technically fine.

However, your sentences are ALL short and basic and essentially reads very, very choppy. Like:

The ball is blue. I kicked the blue ball. It hit the wall. I had fun. My friend came along. He joined in the game. We both kicked the ball.

This is an easy fix considering the shortness of the review. You just need to join a couple of sentences here and there more meaningfully. For example, your Animation section:

A decidedly simpler look than in other shorts directed by Koji Yamamura is employed. Black and sepia are the dominant colours, going for a two-tone feel. Occasionally dark red is also used. This approach is very effective for the material.

For example, I'd rewrite to:

With black and sepia being the dominant colours and giving the movie a two-tone feel, Old Crocodile looks decidedly simpler than Koji Yamamura's other works. On rare occasions, dark red will be used to break up the monotony, which, all in all, is very effective for the disturbing material/which, all in all, looks very effective considering the disturbing material.

I'm sure you can think of better ways to rewrite that, but it's just an example. I'd particularly point to maybe eliminating the passive voice in the first sentence. But yeah, generally just join stuff up, make it flow.

[sothis]

yeah, agreed - the same 'stop and go' feel is going on here :) i'd say try to write it a bit more casually like you're talking to a friend; you could also try the method i suggested via pm with saying it out loud, complete with pauses after each period, and imagine if it sounds like something you'd hear in a movie preview. ^_^

[valondar]

Given this another shot.

[VivisQueen]

Thsi version is highly enjoyable to read. Thanks for that. :)

Seriously, where the hell do you FIND all these obscure anime? (Oh, and since it's posted on the site and linked in here, you should remove the copy in the post).